The cost of polite lying at work (and how to turn it around)
You know when you walk out of a meeting saying “Sounds great!” even when it sounds terrible? When you give a compliment you don’t mean, or say you’ll follow up when you probably won’t?
Everyone does it — leaders, managers, individual contributors. It’s a corporate habit that sneaks into every hallway conversation, chat thread and big meeting. Most of the time, we don’t even notice we’re doing it. But saying things you don’t mean is a recipe for cultural disaster and lost connections.
Why we lie… politely
Polite lies are born out of habit, fear and convenience.
Conflict avoidance: “It’s easier to agree than start a debate.”
Fear of looking incompetent: “I don’t have the answer, but I don’t want to admit it.”
Keeping things smooth: “Better to nod than rock the boat.”
Believe me, I get it. I’ve done it. All these motivations are human, and therefore understandable.
How it hurts the workplace
The more I started thinking about polite lying in the workplace, the more I saw the impact it had with my own eyes. Every day. Every meeting. Every town hall. Especially as an employee who others often confided in, I would watch conversations play out where I knew one or both people weren’t being totally honest.
It rarely exploded into conflict, but the damage was still real.
Strained relationship dynamics
I’m no psychologist, but healthy relationships — even professional ones — require honesty. Neither party should feel like they have to filter their personality or hold back their truth. If you’re afraid to say what you think or explain how you feel, you don’t have a true connection that will serve you at work.
Over time, this creates a subtle layer of politics. People smile in meetings and then unpack their real thoughts later with someone safer. Decisions get re-litigated in side chats instead of being discussed openly. Then people get hurt, and the cycle continues.
Tip: If you’re looking to improve your relationships with people, here are 9 ways to find common ground.
Uncertainty about performance and team standing
If it’s all rainbows and sunshine when you’re face to face with someone, how will they ever truly know where they stand? If someone’s performance is lacking, but it’s only talked about behind their back, who does that serve? Polite lying creates confusion, and confused employees don’t grow.
And this isn’t just about manager-to-direct-report dynamics. If someone on another team — or even above you in rank — is creating friction, there should be a constructive way to address how their work affects you. When that doesn’t happen, it does nothing but build resentment.
Fear of contradicting leadership
You’ve probably worked in an environment where honesty was encouraged, then you were punished for it — subtly or blatantly. I certainly have.
But even if that isn’t the case, employees may still hesitate to speak up if they don’t see leaders modeling disagreement themselves. When every idea is genius and all behaviors are tolerated, it sends a message to the dissenters to stay quiet and deal with it.
Without healthy disagreement, bad decisions go unchallenged. Then, years later, that lack of open critical thinking will manifest as a business with no momentum.
Turn polite lies into respectful truth
Am I suggesting people walk around saying things like, “I really dread our weekly chats, Bob”? As cathartic as it might be, no. But with some practice, you can stop saying things that aren’t true. Here are some tips to start changing your habits — it takes time and awareness.
Pause and reflect: Before you speak or hit send on an email, stop for a second. Ask yourself if you’re saying something to be polite or to be truthful. Most polite lies are automatic, so interrupting your autopilot mode is the first step to changing your approach.
Use the “What would I think?” filter: If you were watching yourself have this conversation, what would you think? Are you being true to yourself, or caving to the whims of someone else? After all, you know yourself best, and you should want to make yourself proud.
Prioritize the end result: Even mild confrontation can be uncomfortable, but what are you trying to get out of it? If you put your comfort first in the moment, will you still get what you want? Probably not.
Don’t let their behavior dictate your delivery: It’s tempting to appease someone who doesn’t take feedback well or always wants to get their way. But remember, honesty should be constant, regardless of who’s on the receiving end. Keep it respectful but real, and if they still don’t like it, you’ve done all you can.
Try it in writing first: Being completely honest in conversation is scary, and it’s a skill that takes years to build. If speaking up feels overwhelming, start in emails, chat threads or other written forms. It gives you time to think through every word.
Embrace non-answers: You don’t have to make a decision immediately in every situation. Sometimes we resort to polite lying because we feel pressured to respond on the spot. Start saying, “I need a day to think this through” or “I don’t know yet, but I’ll follow up.” You deserve time and space to consider your position, especially if confrontation will be inevitable.
Tip: If you’re planning on ditching polite lies, it’s also a good idea to leave corporate clichés in the dust.
Showing up honestly changes everything
Breaking the habit of saying things you don’t mean is ethical, but it’s also strategic. Honest communication builds trust, speeds up decisions, and makes people feel a little less crazy at the end of the day. Teams that prioritize no-nonsense talk execute faster, argue less and actually get results.
Plus, no one will notice if you stop nodding at nonsense for a week. But everyone will notice if your presence feels unmistakably genuine.
